Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Marriage Rebirth


 
Fact 1: My husband is a great husband and can probably hold a candle against the best husband in the world.
Fact 2: My husband can also be a jerk (I would have loved to use a stronger word but my in-laws are very supportive and actually read my blog)

Fact 3: I am not the greatest wife in the world but I am a great wife
Fact 4: I can also be the world’s greatest bitch.
Because we were a great husband and wife to each other, we essentially have a great marriage. We were both faithful, we were great parents to our son, we equally contributed and sacrificed for our small family and we never took advantage of each other. We also loved each other very much as far as we know.
But what we did not know was that for the past 12 years, our marriage was slowly dying. Although I was a great wife and he was great husband, I was still essentially a bitch and he was essentially still a jerk. We took our turns in hurting each other in small unnoticeable ways. We did not resort to grand schemes of marital revenge because a great wife and a great husband do not stoop that low just in case our crown becomes in peril of being taken away from us.

Since the hurts were small and can be construed as imagined and a by–product of paranoia, our pride did not dare acknowledge their existence. Why complain about a stellar husband who is almost perfect? Why complain about a wife who sacrifices much for her family? But a wise woman told me once that marriages are destroyed not by earth shattering mistakes from any of the married parties but by years of compiled hurt and neglect of one another. One day you wake up and this small hurts have banded together and becomes a monstrous being that has eaten most, if not all, of your marriage away. Sometimes, the realization even comes way too late that there is nothing left to save at all.
A few days back, the same monster reared its ugly head and made itself known in my very own marriage. My husband and I were taken aback by the massiveness of the giant that we have apparently fed over the years. We were so preoccupied in fulfilling the prerequisites and obligations of a great marriage that we neglected the small things that make a marriage fun and worthwhile. We no longer held hands when we walk. We no longer hugged for no reason. When we do hugged, it was detached and disaffected, mostly obligatory in nature. We no longer randomly kissed to show burst of affection. When we talked, there was no longer any enthused fire in our eyes but only of annoyance. We were the closest things to each other from anyone in this planet but at the same time we were the most far apart.

Our marriage was dying and very close to death. It was only our strong sense of obligation that allowed it to survive for so many years. I’ve never realized that I carried a substantial amount of pain and hurt that has left me ragged and mostly broken. The same can be said of my husband of 12 years who has endured as much pain and suffering as he had given. We were both bloodied and messed up from the small pricks of daily unnoticeable stabs that we have inflicted on one another.
We laid bare our pain to each other; unable to believe that we have caused so much brokenness to someone we supposedly most loved. I cried for myself and I cried for him. He cried for himself and he cried for me. We cried for the marriage we thought was thriving but in fact was gasping for its last breath. We were the two people who supposedly loved each other so much at the wake of their own marriage.
But sometimes, some things have to die in order to be reborn to something better. Like a phoenix rising out its ashes, our marriage took on a second better stride. These past few days, I felt like I see and look at my husband for the first time again. I noticed every tiny thing. I see and hear his voice more clearly; I listen to his stories more closely. I removed the monotony and instinctiveness to my actions and affections and I now move purposely towards him. In turn he does the same. We travelled back in time to 14 years back when we first held each other hands and found love in each other’s arms. Our marriage is reborn from the ashes of our pain and hurt.
At the second chance in love, these are my vows to my husband:
I Vow
I vow to hold your hand as if I was holding it for the first time
with the excitement of touch of one who is in love
I vow to kiss you each and every day with the tenderness

of lovers who only found the power of a first kiss

 
I vow to look at your eyes every time you talk

to listen carefully to every word that you say

and reply always with love to your stories

and engage to your thoughts with my whole presence

 
I vow to always be on your side

on the road when you are cranky as you drive

no matter if it was you on the wrong

I will just keep quiet and maybe even cheer you on

 
I vow to always say thank you

even over the smallest things that you do for me

I will always acknowledge your actions of love

 with affection and hold them closely to my heart
 

I vow to always be polite and gracious to you

I sometimes get comfortable

Knowing that you love me no matter what I do

I forget that you get hurt when I’m not at my best too
 

There are so many things I want to promise

There are so many things I want to say

I feel like I wasted the last 12 years

Loving instinctively instead of purposely

 
So instead of words, I vow in action

in the coming years of being your wife

I will always give you the very best of me

and move towards you in love purposely

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 comments:

  1. Marriage is hard especially after kids. This is great advice. Glad you are working towards reconnecting.

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  2. Marriage can be hard work. Good for both of you for recognizing the weaknesses in your marriage and working to fix them.

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  3. You did something other have not been able too and that is recognize and work on the problem. Kudos to you for your strength

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  4. I love how raw and honest this was... Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Loved it. I shared it on my personal wall, and I rarely ever do that. Kudos to you. Felt like I was watching my parent's marriage

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  6. This is so sweet. None of us are perfect and marriages take a lot of work. It sounds like you are on the right track to doing everything you can to make your marriage successful.

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  7. Marriage can be so hard after kids. It's great to take time to remember why you chose this person to share your life with.

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  8. Wow, this post is an eye-opener! It's so great that you were both able to see what was happening, and in time!

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  9. I think many marriages go through this, the love but the monotony and the obligations of maintaining a house, raising kids and everyday life can keep you treading water until something sinks and then a mutual effort needs to be made to begin to sail again.

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  10. This is so beautiful! It's great that you were both committed enough to bare it all. It's so easy to become lost in the monotony of day-to-day life. Hubby and I know how important it is to nuture our marriage but it still gets buried under the demanding needs of 4 kids and a thriving business. This is a great reminder to tend to the important things before it reaches that stage where unintentional walls have been built and communication ceases to exist. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  11. I'm really glad that your husband and you are getting a second chance in marriage. Not all couples get that chance. May you both be blessed with love and happiness.

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  12. marriage isn't always easy, and anyone telling you any different is selling something. love the honesty in this post

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  13. This is beautifully written. Marriage takes a lot of work, especially once you throw kids into the mix! After our twins were born (our firstborn was 2), my husband and I agreed that for the first year we wouldn't be able to work on our marriage, and that was OK. It wasn't the time for big romantic gestures or vacations for just the two of us. That's not to say we wouldn't try to do little things here and there, just our focus was on keeping 2 tiny humans alive. I'm happy to say that we survived the first year, and have a vacation planned for just the two of us in April! Looking forward to devoting time to our marriage.
    Caitlin @RogersPartyof5

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  14. I love this. Marriage isn't always easy. My husband is amazing, but can also be a jerk.. it is a give and take and we had to learn our balance.

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  15. Marriage really is so much harder after kids. We had our share of problems and it seems like having a baby only amplified them. But we're finally taking time to focus on us again!

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  16. This was quite beautiful to read. I have not been with my partner for nearly as long, but there is much I can relate to. He is a truly wonderful man but I can see how this can happen in a relationship!

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  17. I am so glad to hear you are trying to reconnect instead of calling it quits. That's what a great marriage is all about.

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  18. Thank you for being so transparent with your readers about your struggles in your marriage. I think this strikes a chord with a lot of people in marriages who are trying to balance kids, work, and all the other day to day responsibilities. It's easy to take your partner for granted and assume you can put that relationship on the back burner with no repercussion. Thanks for the reminder that our spouses should come first!

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