Growing up poor, I did not believe in miracles; I depended
on miracles!
When my family and I were literally homeless, we prayed that
somebody will take us. We did not have money to pay for even a month’s rent and
there was no place to go. But on that same day, my mom, sister and I were able
to home ourselves. Although we were able to find lodgings separately, we still
did despite the seeming impossibility.
I was severely nearsighted growing up but my mother was only
able to acquire prescription eyeglasses for me once in my entire life and that
was in second grade. After that pair got lost, I was on my own in my blurry
world. When commuting from my house to my school, I prayed that I might ride
the correct jeep. I couldn’t read the signboard and taking the time to ask will
deprive me of the opportunity to get a ride because mornings were rush hours
and people literally kill each other just to be able to get inside a jeep. Miraculously,
my intelligent guesses were always correct. I also prayed when crossing the
streets that I might not die in the process. Obviously the prayers worked
because I am still alive today.
When I took the college entrance exam for the University of
the Philippines in Diliman, I was unfortunate to have contracted the flu on the
very same day. I had a very high fever, I was dizzy and I felt like vomiting.
The test room was unluckily air conditioned which made my feverish chills even
worse. No one was allowed to leave the room, not even to vomit, during the
entire test duration. I tried my best to toughen up and finish the entrance
exams. At that time, this was the ONLY college entrance exams which my mom was
able to pay so this was my ONLY hope. But after an hour of trying, I couldn’t hold off anymore the
uncontrollable shaking from the chills and the need to black out and faint.
Since the exam was multiple choices and you just had to shade the correct
answer, I just decided to randomly shade the answer sheet until the very end
just to get the test over. I submitted
my exam paper to the proctor and hurriedly went out to finally give in to the
forces of the flu. I prayed that I might pass although it seemed highly
impossible since more than 50 percent of my answers were just random guesses. YET
miracles of miracles, I passed!
During the second semester of my first year in college, my
mother was not able to come up with the tuition fee. It was already the first
week of classes and I was still not officially enrolled. I prayed that we would
be able to come up with the money. We didn’t, but a good friend of mine came up
with the 7000 pesos as the initial payment just to get me enrolled. I was able
to get my first year college second semester education even if the odds were
against my favour. But this was not in fact my first tuition fee miracle. From my
whole grade school years to my entire high school years, my mother enrolled me
with just a promissory note promising to pay the unpaid debts from my previous
academic years. Every year it was the same answered prayer for a seemingly
hopeless situation.
By the time I met my then husband, my life story has been a
series of answered prayers and impossible miracles. I really couldn’t have
survived life without them. In fact, meeting my then-boyfriend-now-husband was
also a result of an answered prayer. Julius was the exact replica on my husband
prayer wish list. In every sense of the word, he was God sent.
As a couple, we had our fair share of needing miracles
during our first year of relationship. Julius’ place of employment was on the
decline and they weren’t receiving their salaries for months. Even during
deployment to job sites, they had to use their own resources. There was even a
time when he was stuck somewhere because his company was not able to provide
him with an airfare to go back home. Even without a tangible source of
employment opportunities, we prayed that Julius can find another place of work.
We prayed a novena to Blessed Jose Maria Escriva for months. We stubbornly
insisted on our demands and we were not taking no for an answer from God. And just
like that, Julius found a job in Dubai. Although we were praying for a job
opportunity from the U.S. of A, God found it more appropriate to send us to the
land of the Arabs.
From then on, our life was free from desperately praying for
miracles. If we were sick, we had our company issued comprehensive insurance
which not only provided doctor consultation and laboratory test but also
dispensed medicines at a very minimal participation cost. We were never in dire
need of food, shelter or clothing at any point in time because we had good
stable jobs. If there was any financial emergency, all we needed to do was adjust
the budget for a few months and then get back on track again. We also saved for
an emergency fund so that we will never be caught with our pants down. We were
self-sufficient and had no need for any last minute miracles to save our ass.
There was always a logical and doable solution from our part to any problem.
But the risk of getting results from the realm of the
possible is that soon, you lose touch with the possibilities of the impossible.
I, whose life was painted with the colours of miracles, have subconsciously
stopped believing in them. I solely relied on the limitations of my
possibilities rather than rely on the infinite impossibilities of the universe.
It kept me grounded, which is actually a good thing, but it also clipped my
wings which I needed to fly. As the years went by, my roots grew deeper and
deeper until I completely forgot that I once knew how to soar.
But God, with his amazing wisdom, decided to give me back my
wings. After more than 10 years of being grounded, my husband lost his job. To
add spice to the mayhem, I found out I was pregnant after a month and the rents
and other cost of living all suddenly decided to shoot up at the same time. We
had also lost our company sponsored health insurance. For the first time in our
whole years living abroad, getting suddenly sick was a terrifying and expensive
prospect. Since I was also pregnant, prenatal check-ups and giving birth were
now my financial burden.
As great timing would have it, my 9 year old son also had a
minor accident. He fell down while at school and his fingernail lifted off from
the fingernail bed. Although we were insurance free, we were fortunate that the
accident happened in school because then we would be entitled to free emergency
care in one of the government hospitals. Although totally grateful for the free
medical assistance, we felt so powerless because we had to rely on the charity
of others. Beggars can’t be choosers and in a free facility, you wait until
somebody attends to you.
After more than 10 years of being in control, I was no
longer at the helm of my life. There was no logical, practical, doable solution
on my end. We were caught with our pants down and suddenly, I was in need of
miracles. It was hard to pray and believe that God will answer my prayers. I
was calculating the number of people who lost their jobs and the current job
market.It seemed impossible to be hired at the current status quo.
I was in a state of bottomless panic. If my husband will not
be able to find a job, we will all be forced to go back home to our motherland
since visa’s can only be obtained via the sponsorship of an employer. As hard
as it is to look for a job abroad, it is a million times much harder to look
for a job in the place where we were born. The job market there is ruthless and
has little or no compassion for the aging job hunter. I still have a 9 year old
son to support and another one on the way. Where will get money for food, for
shelter, for education and for other basic needs? If it was just me and my
husband, we can just wing it since we are both used to poverty. But we have two
lives that depended on us. We cannot just wing it.
It was a terrible feeling of helplessness. At a certain
point in time, I deluded myself into thinking that I was in sole control of my
life. Miracles don’t make things happen; I make things happen. Yet at the middle of it, you realize that
life is full of unpredictables. It won’t always be you who will make things
happen. So I abandoned all pretenses of self-sufficiency and decided to pray
for a miracle. I cut off my roots, grew my wings and decided to fly.
Months have already passed since the day my husband lost his
job and our life of uncertainty began. At this point, I’m still learning to
spread my wings. Although he has already found a job, which was a big hurrah,
our life was no longer in the comfort zone and thus need constant reliance on
the supernatural and the impossible. In some ways I believe that my family
needs this mayhem of uncertainty more than stability. Although our lives are no
longer comfortable and secure, we were given in exchange the capacity and
openness to believe in the impossible and infinite.
Because sometimes, the greatest gifts in life are struggles and problems. Without them, there is no room for miracles.
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