Lottery

 

Nope, we did not win the lottery. So calm your hopes down because there is still no extra perks of being my friend or relative. In fact, if I did win the lottery, blogging will be the least of my priorities. I will probably be off to Europe enjoying the ancient architecture or probably at Disneyland Florida.

Winning the lottery has been one of my husband’s silent wishes. Although he never did actively participate with lottery betting since lottery is currently not available where we reside, he often placed his hopes on shopping festivals where a minimum purchase will entitle you to win thousand’s worth of showcase. He also invested in a no interest deposit which will allow your money to participate in a quarterly raffle to win a million dirhams. Every time we would talk about our hopes and aspiration, winning tons of money in a raffle was always a part of his conversation end.

I, on the other hand, do not put much faith in lottery winnings. I often tell him that in some sort of way, we have already won the lottery of life because we are healthy and he has a job that allows us to have a comfortable life. Of course, he often accuses me of being unsupportive but insists that if he did win, he will still share the winnings with me. But he also said that the reason why he probably hasn’t won yet was because I keep jinxing his chances with all my talk of negativity. I often agree with him much to his chagrin.

But recently, Mr. I-Love-to-win-a-lottery had a complete change of heart. One day he just arrived home and told me that he does not want to win mountains of money from any lottery anymore. I fell of my seat because this was the man who was harping about lottery winnings for the last 12 years of our marriage. I thought that my husband was probably sick or got into an accident and hit his head on something really really hard. Worse, he might have actually won but he doesn’t want to share his winnings so his was working on conditioning my mind. He probably stashed the money somewhere secret like the Bahamas since all gangsta seem to hide their ill-gotten wealth there.

But apparently, while he was accompanying a friend to a car repair shop, they had a talk about the misfortunes which often befell lottery winners. One guy who won more than 10 lexus cars in a shopping festival got shot 6 months after in his home country. The motive for the guy’s murder was money. Another guy won half of a million dollars with another guy. 3 months later, he died from cancer. He told me another story which my hormone addled brain cannot remember now but I am quite certain that the story also ended in death or some other form of tragedy. Basically, my husband was scared to death. (hehehehehehe). He now believes with absolute conviction that winning in lottery is nothing more but a pact with death in exchange for the money. Tit for tat. In this case, cash for life.

The sweetest thing though is that he now has a new silent wish. He no longer wants to win instant tons of cash but instead wishes for a long life to spend with his love ones even if that life will be spent in normal amounts of cash or even in poverty. According to his new found wisdom, no amounts of money can equal to the life of your loved ones. He now officially renounces lottery because that seems to be a sure way to take quality time away from the more important things in life. In fact, he said that if he did accidentally win, he will most likely not accept the winnings or just give them almost all away.

So in case we win folks, you know it is going to be raining money.

Marriage Rebirth

 

Fact 1: My husband is a great husband and can probably hold a candle against the best husband in the world.

Fact 2: My husband can also be a jerk (I would have loved to use a stronger word but my in-laws are very supportive and actually read my blog)

Fact 3: I am not the greatest wife in the world but I am a great wife

Fact 4: I can also be the world’s greatest bitch.

Because we were a great husband and wife to each other, we essentially have a great marriage. We were both faithful, we were great parents to our son, we equally contributed and sacrificed for our small family and we never took advantage of each other. We also loved each other very much as far as we know.

But what we did not know was that for the past 12 years, our marriage was slowly dying. Although I was a great wife and he was great husband, I was still essentially a bitch and he was essentially still a jerk. We took our turns in hurting each other in small unnoticeable ways. We did not resort to grand schemes of marital revenge because a great wife and a great husband do not stoop that low just in case our crown becomes in peril of being taken away from us.

Since the hurts were small and can be construed as imagined and a by–product of paranoia, our pride did not dare acknowledge their existence. Why complain about a stellar husband who is almost perfect? Why complain about a wife who sacrifices much for her family? But a wise woman told me once that marriages are destroyed not by earth shattering mistakes from any of the married parties but by years of compiled hurt and neglect of one another. One day you wake up and this small hurts have banded together and becomes a monstrous being that has eaten most, if not all, of your marriage away. Sometimes, the realization even comes way too late that there is nothing left to save at all.

A few days back, the same monster reared its ugly head and made itself known in my very own marriage. My husband and I were taken aback by the massiveness of the giant that we have apparently fed over the years. We were so preoccupied in fulfilling the prerequisites and obligations of a great marriage that we neglected the small things that make a marriage fun and worthwhile. We no longer held hands when we walk. We no longer hugged for no reason. When we do hugged, it was detached and disaffected, mostly obligatory in nature. We no longer randomly kissed to show burst of affection. When we talked, there was no longer any enthused fire in our eyes but only of annoyance. We were the closest things to each other from anyone in this planet but at the same time we were the most far apart.

Our marriage was dying and very close to death. It was only our strong sense of obligation that allowed it to survive for so many years. I’ve never realized that I carried a substantial amount of pain and hurt that has left me ragged and mostly broken. The same can be said of my husband of 12 years who has endured as much pain and suffering as he had given. We were both bloodied and messed up from the small pricks of daily unnoticeable stabs that we have inflicted on one another.

We laid bare our pain to each other; unable to believe that we have caused so much brokenness to someone we supposedly most loved. I cried for myself and I cried for him. He cried for himself and he cried for me. We cried for the marriage we thought was thriving but in fact was gasping for its last breath. We were the two people who supposedly loved each other so much at the wake of their own marriage.

But sometimes, some things have to die in order to be reborn to something better. Like a phoenix rising out its ashes, our marriage took on a second better stride. These past few days, I felt like I see and look at my husband for the first time again. I noticed every tiny thing. I see and hear his voice more clearly; I listen to his stories more closely. I removed the monotony and instinctiveness to my actions and affections and I now move purposely towards him. In turn he does the same. We travelled back in time to 14 years back when we first held each other hands and found love in each other’s arms. Our marriage is reborn from the ashes of our pain and hurt.

At the second chance in love, these are my vows to my husband:

I Vow

I vow to hold your hand as if I was holding it for the first time

with the excitement of touch of one who is in love

I vow to kiss you each and every day with the tenderness

of lovers who only found the power of a first kiss

 

I vow to look at your eyes every time you talk

to listen carefully to every word that you say

and reply always with love to your stories

and engage to your thoughts with my whole presence

 

I vow to always be on your side

on the road when you are cranky as you drive

no matter if it was you on the wrong

I will just keep quiet and maybe even cheer you on

 

I vow to always say thank you

even over the smallest things that you do for me

I will always acknowledge your actions of love

 with affection and hold them closely to my heart

 

I vow to always be polite and gracious to you

I sometimes get comfortable

Knowing that you love me no matter what I do

I forget that you get hurt when I’m not at my best too

 

There are so many things I want to promise

There are so many things I want to say

I feel like I wasted the last 12 years

Loving instinctively instead of purposely

 

So instead of words, I vow in action

in the coming years of being your wife

I will always give you the very best of me

and move towards you in love purposely